THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES : 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert

Says

[No, really?]   

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over 

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] 


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace 

[I can see where it might have that effect!] 


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 


[Who would have thought!]



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 

[He probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]



And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery Hundreds Dead